Exasperation Missionary

nevermind my solitude. always a perfect moment for divine intervention

2010-05-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

so many transformations right now.. i'm loving my wonderful life and process more than i ever have. love my boy nicky wolch, and the rest of my friends that played last night at the phoenix. so proud.

i have acquired a few really amazing tools in the last few days, i will link them. i have also incorporated a much needed stone-skipping habit into my morning routine. been writing nonstop, and feeling inspired to share my writing these days. also have had the photo itch, so expect some pictures soon. they will be of the film format, as i left a backpack on a plane a few months ago. the bag contained all my clothes, my digital camera, flash, and other essentials. i can't complain, i think that film is far more aesthetically pleasing anyway. get excited for my page to be bombarded with photos with my beautiful new kitten, Serendipity! Dipity, or anything involving 'Dip' for short. I haven't had to call him Oprah. That's a name that i reserve for when he's being a bad kitty. feel free to jingle me text, if you want to come over for tea, nice conversation and kitty play time. but, i repeat, nevermind my solitude. i think you guys know this anyway.

how was everyone's cinco de mayo? i ate a fish taco marinated in chong butter, but only felt satiated. i have rid myself of all external dependencies, including cigs. well, not completely, i have had probably a total of 2 full cigs, with all of the drags i have taken in the past week, out of pure joy of feeling what it's like to feel free, and indulge. i even feel like i'm being rebellious when i drink caffiene. avoiding substances is not forced, it is really just a state of mind that i'm in, everything i need is cultivated from myself, from breath, and life. it is for each and one of you. i recommend choosing the opportunity to live.

ps. as i am sitting at atlas coffee (my new favorite jam), i hear the faint sound of a couple of kids talking behind me, i turn around to find them sifting through the record collection here. joy seeped into every pore of my body. records are for the kids!
also! i heard html5 is the future of web. what do you think?

check this shit out!

The Anti 9-to-5 Guide: Practical Career Advice for Women Who Think Outside the Cube

Craft Inc. Turn Your Creative Hobby into a Business

Get High (Without Drugs)

Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness, and Creativity

finally, here is a special mystery treat that i have prepared for all that is interested! DOWNLOAD, FRIENDS

i applaud deftones for releasing another album that reaffirms my love for this band, after all these years. goddamn. a nice, refined blend of around the fur and saturday night wrist. pretty produced, but i don't mind.

ps pt. 2, i met the kids and have come to discover that they are the kids of the owner/workers. they all live together. one big, beautiful family. i don't think i've ever been so excited about a coffee shop.

for the day

2010-03-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

feelin good

2010-02-18T21:57:00.001-08:00

it's been awhile. i have recently taken a much more serious heed to solitude. it's long been overdue. get back to ya later!

2009-11-15T09:01:00.001-08:00

the color purple

2009-11-11T09:50:00.000-08:00

"Imagine that you are the wood and the fire that consumes the wood.

First, focus your awareness on the part of you that is the wood. You may tremble or gasp, feeling the jolt of your solidity disintegrating, your form changing. As you shift your attention to the part of you that is the fire, you may exult in the wild joy of power and liberation.

It may be tempting to favor the fire over the wood, to love the burning more than the being burned. But if you'd like to understand pronoia in its fullness, you've got to appreciate them equally. Can you imagine yourself being the fire and wood simultaneously? Is it possible for you to experience the deep pleasure of their collaboration?"

2009-11-09T07:30:00.001-08:00

feel it in your chest

2009-11-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

thanks carol

my new favorite song

2009-11-06T21:48:00.001-08:00

Street knowledge, intellect and spirituality My survival package, as I deal with reality

2009-10-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

if you haven't heard this album, download it. i can't stop listening to it. makes me feel like the first times i had heard tribe, wu tang, biggie or nas. really good.

Gang Starr - Moment of Truth

i have been enjoying my last few days off. for the most part, i've been dwelling in my room, reading, working on music, thinking, meditating, writing. and something i like a lot about my room is the fact that there are many different lights, which calls for different lighting scenarios aka me getting super weird on that ass. and there are yellow sheets on the outside of my windows, so the sun light comes beautifully through the yellow into the room, to glow. the sun doesn't come in directly when it passes the early afternoon, leaving me to use my lights. anyway, it's helped me to not pay attention to time, because my room can feel like any part of the day. not paying attention to time = really enjoying whatever you're doing. life rules

resurfacing one of the most important albums to me

2009-09-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

Aloha - Sugar

There are people who are scared of losing stuff, but you don't lose anything for any other reason than if you just give up on yourself.

2009-09-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

a video that johnny depp made in john frusciante's house in the height of his heroin addiction. try to watch the whole video, it's very soothing.

Johnny Depp's "STUFF" about musician John Frusciante

by the way, you should download these albums i'm pretty into.

The Long Lost - S/T

Kanye West - 808's and Heartbreaks

password: rczw87

petting auras (becoming a cassie-smoker, and it's ok)

2009-09-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

man, what i wouldn't give for some hot stud to strut his bmx stuff everywhere i go.

and thank you to cassie, for gracing me with these two gems.

Soundgarden - Badmotorfinger

handcar stigmata

2009-09-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

dude, where's my car?

2009-09-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

If he's going to be crisped in the process, there's going to be no adventurer left to have had the adventure.

2009-09-26T15:06:00.000-07:00

i am finally feeling the isolation domestic lifestyle. it feels so good children. i quit smoking and started doing bikram yoga everyday. my perception sensitivity has reached to an unfamiliar place. i'm a little less freaked out now. please take note of peter's sexiness in all of his pictures. you sexy sexy boy you.

and be sure to download this:

Luminious Orange - Drop You Vivid Colors

Being lazy in bed on a saturday. I forgot what this felt like.

2009-09-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

i hope everyone is doing well.
i will update with some real shit soon. this week, started to honestly feel like i did when i was a child. those old feelings are surfacing again, which is my idea of bliss and sort of freaks me out that i finally have what i want.

in looking through old documents on my computer, i stumbled upon two attempts at keeping a dream diary. one from somewhere in 2007, and one from the trip that i took with darah just before summer. i rarely ever remember my dreams. i remembered a dream a couple of weeks ago, and that was the first since i can remember. which is why i'm happy to have found writings from dreams that obviously moved me enough to write about it, in my lazy days. here it is in case you're interested:

2007: i held my knees to my chest, forming a ball with my body, leaving room for the vehicle to somehow pass through the vehicle i was already in. i didn't want him to run over my toes. the vehicle entered, i could only see 2 feet of the front of his car, due to a lack of clearance. he was stuck. billy was positioned directly in front and i could only think "what the fuck you are you doing?!" to the driver. smoke started to rise from his engine. billy got out of his path and him and i expanded the clearance. he sped passed us, while billy said "fucking japs!" and i screamed "you fucking asshole!!!" to the driver as he passed. he sped out of the front of our vehicle and flew above the car in front of us, completely clearing it. his jeep caught air again as it was going to fast and landed too far forward. i could clearly see his body snap in half, we passed the back side of his jeep containing his legs, and the front half continued to roll at the same speed as our driving. his upper body was still together, his expression was still the same. i grabbed my camera quickly to take as many pictures as i could in this minimal period of time. his car caught on fire. seconds later my flash caught on fire. i thought "why is only my flash burning?" i kept blowing on it. i then heard a noise, the loud sound of air passing a circular object, as if someone was blowing the top of an empty 20 oz bottle. i was in such a state of shock that i was antsy, searching for the source of the noise in the back of the car. in doing so, billy kept repeating "it's over, it's over, it's over" i finally looked at my parents, thinking they were trying to point something out to me ahead. my mom said to me "it's over tony, it's finally happening." i knew exactly what she meant. the earth was finally ending. i have always thought it would happen in my lifetime, just not this early. i became so scared, knowing only seconds were left. i looked at my mom as she said that and closed my eyes. i could still see her. i thought out loud "i love you, i love you, i love you." this was clearly to her. no one mattered at that point.

2009:

I had the most terrifying dream just now. I went to sleep in a pretty sour state, but it felt like an epiphany, like I came so close to feeling peace with the situation i'm in now. Even though we are so early in the trip, I decided to drop darah and completely erase the possibility that things might work out between us. That it would be the best decision for me, judging by the past. Judging by the feeling that I was trapped, and not allowed to fully express myself, to monitor and filter myself to a degree in which I have never experienced. It felt so unnatural. The relationship was beautiful as well, don't get me wrong. I just can't help but to reflect on what went wrong. It's an intense place to put so much energy into, just because it has seemed to out weigh the beautiful experiences we've had, which I do reflect on often. Fuck, I don't know. I can think about this all day, and I have been to a point. This is not the time to do so, this is the time to create the new. Create new memories. Like she told me, to not think about yesterday or tomorrow. I know these things, my thought process is going in so many directions, it's hard to take it all in, and it's just so damn overwhelming. I just need to remember what she said. Anyway.

The first thing I remember was being in a warm, small house. A bunch of friends and I were hanging out in a fashion that seemed appropriate for nighttime. The energy that is. But we were actually about to go to school. The group consisted of Santa Rosa kids. Guy, Nick, and Spencer were the only people I could remember, but the crew that you can always find at both incarnations of the ridgeway house were present. It was very nice, actually. It always feels nice to be around a large group of friends in the early morning, just waking up. Laughing, speaking with excitement, passion. I couldn't stop thinking that the house was Shaffer's house. I kept expecting him to see him, his sister and parents. Instead, it was Scott, Cory, and Maggie Barnes that seemed to reside there.

I'm not sure how we get to school, and I'm also not sure why it was El Molino that we were attending. You know, seeing as how I've already graduated. But my feeling of being incomplete surfaces quite often, and has been on this trip. But manifested into a beautiful outlook, and optimism for the future. We arrive, and I'm puzzled by the fact that there is a Longs or Rite Aide type store on campus. And the campus looked very different, but very familiar still. I look outside of it, and there is a man, tall and slim, with shorter curly blonde hair. Kind of like Colin, but with many years of hardship in his eyes in comparison to Colin. You could see it in his body and his posture. He is holding a shotgun. Immediately after, I notice three cops outside the entrance of Longs. They were chuckling and having their morning coffee. The tall blonde character kneels down and gets in the shooting position towards the cops. Seeing this was not shocking in the least. It reminded me of my new job with the two kids, where I will catch myself a lot of times not mediating tension between the two when it is surfacing, but just to watch and see what the kids do. It sometimes gets bad, but nothing ever too extreme. I was watching the scene to see what was going to happen, but not in an anxious manner, at all. Just curious. The man shoots a student in front of the entrance, The child is not dead, and a cop takes his gun knocks the kid so hard in the head, and he he is dead inside the entrance. I still was not stirred, a little shaken. I see two other characters with guns emerge. They both shoot and hit two other children. I look at the cops, and they are still standing. Once I realize that the cops are in on this, I completely lose it. That realization seemed to create a massive tidal pool of students, running in all directions, but away from the chaos that ensued. I run completely away from the entrance of “Longs”. All I can hear are shots and screaming from here on out. As I am running, I feel the wind caused by the bullet's velocity hit my shirt in the bicep region. I look back and see the hitmen posed in a shooting position, and the cops were still observing. I was so fucking frantic at this point. Adrenaline flooded every cell of my body. Every cell of my environment. The pavement was electric. As soon as I pass the building on my left, I make a sharp left and get into my car.

Scared shitless, I drive back to “Cory's” house as sort of a safe head quarters. I was also hoping that his parents might be home, to let them know what is happening and to receive some kind of closure. I started to think that this whole situation was an effort by whoever it be, to reduce population in a rapid way. I have not doubted different possibilities of “business as usual” type methods of genocide. Once that concept entered me, It wouldn't leave. I got out of the car and felt a rush of peace through my whole body. I felt it in my bones, and it felt so amazing to be out of a state of complete fright. I walk in the house and see Maggie and her mother talking some bullshit, and I stayed out and minded my own business, not wanting to interrupt.

I can not remember what happened after that. Before I knew it, it became the evening. The sun was kissing the horizon, and the same people that were at the house in the morning showed up again. Everyone started drinking beers, and I got this our death is near-fuck it all-party with my friends feeling, and felt pretty ok with going at that moment. Lately, I have been thinking about that quite a bit. Times where I feel so good and content, and I tell myself “I would be peaceful if were to die right now”.

Guy tells me, “Anthony! Nick won't leave the car. He won't come in! He's too scared. And it's so weird... his ipod was mysteriously stolen.”

I was really hoping to connect some ties while listening to this statement, but I just remained confused the more I thought about it. A fucking ipod? Ok?

I felt bad for him though, as it was becoming dark, and the longer that he watched us from his car, the harder it must have been for fear to not grip him white-knuckled, to the point of never leaving his car. That would be me at least, unless someone rescued me.

I saw the same three cops from the morning. The white picket fence outside separated my friends from the cops. They were just drinking a beverage and talking amongst each other. There were so many questions I wanted to ask. There was so much ass-kicking I wanted to do, but I just observed them and wondered..

Something very bad took place. Twice. I woke up after each event feeling relieved to be out of my intense dream state. I realized that both situations resulted in a false awakening, clued by things that shook my body with fear. I can't remember however.

I then wake up on a bus. It reminded me of the Sc Transit, except all white on the inside. I was sitting beside a familiar character, someone who I was very close and intimate with in the past, someone whom I felt comfortable with. I told her about everything that happened. And then I felt comfortable enough to tell her, “It is so crazy, I felt like I witnessed the beginning of our new genocide. It was bound to happen soon.” She looks at me in the eyes, and her eyes turn solid grey for a split second and revert back to normal. Another fucking false awakening. I realized that she was not human, and a part of this master plan. I still knew her so well though.. I told her “Oh my god, your eyes! They just turned...” and she became nervously twitching.

I woke up on the train, just an hour away from Omaha, Nebraska. I sat there, so upset with what I just experienced. I suddenly thought to myself “Ok. I have forgotten to truly see the beauty that exists all around me, everywhere I look.” I need to see through those eyes again.

fake it til you break it

2009-09-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

my summer is your fall

2009-09-06T16:57:00.000-07:00

Ape Up! Demo
peep that shit

Sam's Chantepleure

2009-09-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

"If you have lost the business, your house and wife, after you have been pronounced terminally ill and life has dealt you the worst of blows, there is only one duty left. That is to crawl over to the nearest mirror, hoist yourself up, look deeply into it with your last breath, and say aloud seven times: Cock-a-doodle-doo!"

Bon Iver - For Emma Forever ago

The Field - From Here We Go Sublime">

Algernon Cadwallader

ladies and gentlemen, my close personal friend Rob Brezny

2009-09-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The month of August brought you some
peculiar advances. You got a reward that didn't mean as much to you as
it might have had you received it earlier. You outgrew an enigma that had
puzzled and frustrated you forever. And you finally wriggled free of a
shadowy game that you had been attached to long after it lost its power
to educate you. As curious as these wistful breakthroughs have been,
they are prologue to what's headed your way. Get ready to solve a
problem you didn't even know you loved.

2009-08-31T20:32:00.001-07:00

2009-08-31T20:28:00.001-07:00

2009-08-31T20:23:00.001-07:00

Whole Grains 101

2009-08-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

Click here.

2009-08-31T12:56:00.000-07:00

Overall, I haven't felt this way since the mid decade. Floating around, seeing the angelic light in all of my surroundings. My patience has treated me right, leaving me to love everything. I am perpetually grateful, for touching the grace of my loved ones.

show at my house on thursday night

2009-08-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

show at my NEW room on thursday!

The Americas (Santa Rosa)

Total Bros (portland)

Orca Team (Portland)

STARTS AT 6 PM SHARP. BRING MONEY FOR THE PDX COOLKIDS. DON'T SKIMP OUT. SHOW UP ON TIME. HAVE A NICE TIME. CALL ME AT (707) 494-2596 FOR DIRECTIONS. KTHX

tiptoeing around the clock

2009-08-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

graciously waiting to meet.

Darah is back today

2009-08-27T15:15:00.000-07:00

Tyler and I spoke of love for awhile this morning. I tried to potray an idea and had no way to do it verbally (surprise surprise), and he built a wonderful bridge.

love is selfless, forgiving, misunderstood and highly unreasonable. sometimes
love drives you into tragedy. Love tosses you into Hell and pulls you out after a time.
the side effect is bliss. bliss Isn't worth searching after, it passes rather quickly. Love
causes hell in order to understand it. Love is merciless and thoughtful later on. one love loves
to create, one love loves to destroy,
there is something that watches all of this
creation and all of this destruction,
something with eyes as still as a forest pond
they are unimaginably quiet and empty.
I love to create, I love to destroy,
I love to watch, and I love to learn
HOW HOW HOW !
to forgive forgive forgive more than anything in the whole world.... the imperfections of my creation!!!!
the sadness of my destruction!!!!
and my cloudy eyes !!!

if I keep it up every little thing will become clearer
if I keep it up I'll still be a hard man to know
I know I'll keep it up

from the past couple of months

2009-08-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

new pictures are up

2009-08-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile. the season is turning. i will update soon.

2009-06-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

Click right HERE.

FREE LUNCH!

2009-06-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

Picture Perfect

2009-06-29T11:04:00.001-07:00

This Is It Tour '09

2009-06-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

he finally got enough

Wow!

2009-06-23T20:59:00.001-07:00

2009-06-20T22:59:00.001-07:00

2009-06-20T22:40:00.001-07:00

exasperation missionary discography free download

2009-06-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

is available on my myspace now. finishing the post production for the re-recording of the two albums is on top of the list. so is paying my smug mug account so i can update pictures.

i'm watching mary poppins. i forgot about how wonderful it is.

2009-04-27T11:11:00.001-07:00

blogspot.com

2009-04-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

alright! i've been tinkering with the thought of getting one of these things for awhile. i suddenly came to the conclusion that i want to share myself with the world wide web, and anyone that would be interested in keeping up with me.
this year has treated me to a surplus of motivation so far, especially the tour i somewhat recently went on. my world, perspective and motivations shifted 100% during the trip, and i'm riding the wave.
from here on out, i will be uploading personal writings, art of all sorts, and music updates. after a few years of framework constructing/planning, contemplation, confusion, fear and 395893 other things, i've finally been able to create a momentum to create.
i'm looking forward to this blog serving as a seed to blossom, in unexpected and expected directions.
this is a big step for me, as i have not been really cool with the idea of sharing my personal writings that are personal for a reason. i've shifted to a point where i have reversed this fear. sincerity and pure honesty that i have received in discussions, interactions, connections and expressions touches me more than anything, and i now want to return the favor.